Category Archives: Satire

Conservitol™: The Cure for Trump Derangement Syndrome

Do you feel random waves of anger and uncontrollable outbursts when you witness someone is wearing a MAGA hat?  Do you often remind people that Donald Trump is not your President and Hillary won the popular vote?

If so, you may be experiencing an onset of TDS.

This medical phenomenon is baffling many doctors and they fear we are witnessing an epidemic.  As a result, a new diagnosis has emerged that helps us understand this condition on a better level.

This new medical condition is known as Trump Anxiety Disorder.

If left untreated, Trump Anxiety Disorder (TAD) will progress into the more serious and violent condition known as Trump Derangement Syndrom (TDS.)

Trump Derangement SyndromeTrump Derangement Syndrome

Therefore, TAD and TDS are extremely serious and potentially life-threatening diseases that require treatment as quickly as possible.

Trump Derangement Syndrome Symptoms include:

  • Uncontrollable crying when Hillary Clinton tries to justify why she lost the election
  • Rage
  • Thoughts of terrorism, homicide, suicide, self-harm, and socialism
  • Inability to cope with opinions
  • Sleepless nights
  • PTSD with possible traumatic flashbacks to November 4th, 2016
  • Herd mentality paired with an uncontrollable urge to go for long walks in pink hats
  • Complete loss of sense of humor
  • Violent outbursts when President Trump does literally anything
  • Disassociative disorder with previous Presidential legislation
  • Explosive diarrhea
  • Loss of family and friends
  • Paranoia
  • White Guilt
  • Soy Poisoning
  • Blaming everything on racism and Russian Bots
  • Allergy to Facts
  • Vandalism
  • Rash
  • Binge watching CNN
  • Kneeling
  • Making up pronouns that don’t exist

If caught early, Trump Anxiety Disorder (TAD) can be treated easily and Trump Derangement Syndrome can be avoided.

Luckily, the scientific minds over at The Closet on the Right have discovered a cure!

For a limited time only, Conservitol™ is available to treat and cure Liberalism, TAD, and TDS.

Conservitol™ has been shown to cure TAD/TDS in as little as 24 hours.  Take one red pill and feel better by morning!

Our Satisfied Patients will agree!

Conservitol™ saved my life!  I know now that Republicans aren’t racist and actually were responsible for freeing the slaves! – Jordan, 26 Software Engineer

 

 

I no longer blame white men for everything wrong with my life!  Now I know that I can live freely by being a strong, independant, intelligent woman who appreciates our masculine counterparts and their role in our society!  Thanks Conservitol™!

 

 

It’s been 12 days since I called anyone a racist and I feel great!  I can have civil conversations again and when someone doesn’t agree with me, I don’t lose my mind and start bear macing people! I’ve recommended Conservitol™ to all of my friends.

 

 

Conservitol™ isn’t for everyone.  Please consult with your doctor before starting a Conservitol™ treatment plan.

If you are pregnant or planning to get pregnant, take Conservitol™ now and save your baby’s life!

Side Effects Include:

  • Respect for others
  • Patriotism
  • Capitalism
  • Personal Accountability
  • The ability to disagree
  • Military Appreciation
  • Happiness
  • Tolerance
  • Common Sense
  • Factual arguments
  • Sporadic Eye Rolling

 

Does anyone in your family suffer from TAD or TDS?  Save their life now and help them get treatment.

Conservitol™ comes in easy to swallow Kool-aid flavor pills or can easily be hidden in a piece of cheese.

Ask your doctor about Conservitol™ today!

TDS Travel Agency

TDS Travel Agency [Satire]

Get Away From it All

Trump Derangement SyndromeSome days you just need to take a mental health day. If you’re suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome or TDS for short, chances are you’re taking a lot more mental health days than usual.

Having Trump be your President (Oops, I mean #NotMyPresident) is very stressful. Even when he’s not your president, the fact that he’s everyone else’s is infuriating. Amirite or amirite?

Don’t you think it’s time for a vacation? We do! In fact, The Closet on the Right has come up with the perfect solution to help you forget your TDS worries. *drum roll*

We proudly present, TDS Travel Packages!

What’s Included

TDS Travel Package destinations include:

Venezuela– Enjoy the lush, wildlife-rich jungles of Venezuela in your all-inclusive package. You will stay at the best 5-star abandoned hotel close to popular attractions.

Dine in the most upscale trash piles where you can connect with locals and learn the rich history of Venezuela.

Included in your package are exciting excursions such as:

  • Hunting Rats (The key is to anticipate their movements)
  • Negotiating with the Cartel
  • A relay race with a wheelbarrow of cash to buy toilet paper
  • Tips for Protecting Yourself when Owning a Weapon is Illegal
    And more!

North Korea– Not South Korea, North Korea. Disconnect from technology and reconnect with your inner self (and your armed guide) as ride bicycles through the empty streets of Pyongyang.

Enjoy the diverse culture and art at the local museum of Kim Jong Un paintings.

Take some time for yourself at the local spa where you can choose from twelve approved haircuts on the wall.
This package’s excursions include:

  • Touring failed Nuclear Bomb facilities
  • Grab some souvenirs at the world-class black market
  • Visit the political concentration camps…as a prisoner because you went to the black market

Wait, there’s more!

If South American and Asia aren’t on your bucket-list, fear not. We have several European, Arab and African packages as well.

No matter which package you select, we guarantee you will be fully immersed in the local culture and dining.

Meticulous planning goes into every excursion to ensure each activity is authentic to the local culture.

With our money back guarantee, we promise your TDS symptoms will have melted away.

 

By the end of your trip, you will be begging to get home and tell all your friends about your fantastic experience!

Don’t wait! Call now to reserve your trip! Availability is limited, and deposits are non-refundable.

Share this offer with a friend for a 10% discount on your hotel!

Mike Tyson Nike Meme

Nike Meme Compilation

Nike Commits PR Suicide

On Monday, Nike announced that Colin Kaepernick would be the new face of their “Just Do It” campaign.  The now infamous Nike Meme states,

Believe in something, even if it means sacrificing everything.

Ugh.  Ok, I can’t even with that statement.

This obviously set the internet on fire and reignited the controversy of pro/anti kneeling.

We’ve covered this topic before, so we’re not going to go into all that again.  I think everyone knows how we feel about Colin HACKernick and his horrible football “career”.

Nope.  Instead, we are going to bring you the amazing product of this whole mess.  The internet did not disappoint once again with this meme battle.  Here are the best ones so far.  You’re welcome.

Nike Meme Compilation

Nike Meme
The Original (Barf)

Pat Tillman Nike Meme

 

 

Now here we have an actual hero and this was the first Nike meme to come out after the announcement.  Obviously, Nike missed the concept of “sacrifice everything”.  That’s ok.  We’re here to remind you Nike.

 

Trump Nike Meme

Another favorite.  This man is sacrificing his billionaire posh lifestyle to work for free and get attacked all day every day.  But I digress.  Moving on.

Soldier Nike MemeFlag Nike Meme#WalkAway Nike Meme

The “Ouch Ones”

 

Castro Nike Meme

This is Kaepernick’s hero after all, right?

Seems only fitting that we add him in here.

And Nike did lose $4 BILLION in ONE day after their announcement.

No wonder Colin hates capitalism so much!  People can’t be forced into buying his nonsense like the dictator he strives to be.

 

Hillary Nike MemeAlex Jones Nike MemeBernie Nike Meme Obama Nike Meme Democrats Nike Meme Pelosi Nike Meme Jesus Nike Meme

Some of these just sting with truth!!

The “Funny Ones”

Mommy Dearest Nike MemeMike Tyson Nike MemeGonzo Nike Meme

Thano Nike MemeWaterboy Nike Meme Nike Meme hijab Nike Meme Ron Howard Nike Meme Snoop Nike Meme Air Force Nike Meme Lewinsky Nike Meme Storm Trooper Nike Meme General Nike Meme Kevin Hart Nike Mame Shapiro Nike Meme Office Space Nike Meme Sandlot Nike Meme

Which is your favorite Nike meme?  Have one we missed?  Send it on over!  I have a feeling this list will keep growing.

Life Hack: Using The Straw Ban to Make Your Community Safer

Ahhhh California.

Known for its world-class beaches, famous movie stars and rolling hills of mansions.

People have flocked there for decades to pursue their dream of fame and fortune.

Notoriously left-leaning, California grows and harvests Social Justice Warriors faster than the avocados that are spread across a millennial’s brunch toast.

It’s the land of wealth, fortune, political correctness, and perfect selfie backdrops for celebrities Instagramming their latest rant.  It’s so popular amongst the masses that the richest of rich all the way down to the poorest of poor settle down in the Golden State.

It’s true.

It’s a land of opportunity where you can pursue your dreams of stardom, or openly shoot up drugs and defecate in public places.  California is a state where they take crime seriously and work hard every day to make their communities safer.

Case In Point: The New California Ban on Straws

Yep.  California now bans and threatens jail time for anyone possessing or distributing plastic straws.

Yes, you read that correctly.  Please hold your questions to the end. And no we don’t offer public restrooms here.  You have to use the sidewalk.  Not Joking.

 

San Franciso Crime Rate Statistics

 

So wait, if the PC police are in hunt of dangerous straw purveyors, then what do the regular citizens do when they’re being attacked by someone with a gun or knife.  (This is purely hypothetical.  No one in California owns a gun because it’s against the law.  And no one in California breaks the laws.  Especially when it comes to guns.)

Fear no more, California residents!!

The Closet on the Right presents to you:

Life Hack: How to Use Straws to Make You Community Safer

It’s very simple.  The next time someone is trying to assault you, rob you or rape you; call 911 and tell the operator you are being offered a plastic straw.  IN BULK.

Your assailant is a capitalistic, right-leaning, climate-change denier who is forcing their non-recyclable atrocity on you.  They didn’t call you by your chosen pronoun when they began assaulting you with this straw.  They didn’t even ASK you what you preferred pronoun was.

Before you can hang up your iPhone, and tweet your situation, the SWAT team will be there.  Your life will be saved.

Social Justice will be served.

You can wake up in the morning and enjoy your avocado toast at brunch without fearing for your safety.

At least until the next time that 16 people avoided a violent crime that day.

Question of the day: Should people caught using high capacity straw magazines be given mandatory life sentences?

 

 

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